Show, don't tell

A dear friend whose voice I haven't heard in years wrote to me to say he's had some stories published. She foolishly credited me with helping her with my advice of more than a decade ago, when I told her such staples as "Show, don't tell" and other things I'd learned.

Somehow she managed to overcome having me as a mentor and write stories with color and interesting characters and intriguing contexts and payoffs. Seeing this when I read her short stories made me smile.

I also read some of my recent work and realized I was overdue to be reminded of my own advice to her so long ago.

Way to go, EK.

Long time no see

If I started posting again, would anyone notice?

Ahh

Is there any better feeling than slipping on a new pair of shoes that fits perfectly?

OK, of course there is, but still ... it's a wonderful sensation, is it not?

New Balance. There is no substitute.

Valentine's Day reminder

It always sort of sneaks up on us guys, huh?

Gentle nudge: Don't be that guy caught in the greeting card aisle at 9:30 p.m. February 13th.





The selection is much better at 9:30 a.m.

But seriously ... time is running out.

I'm back

Not surprisingly, I've returned with a rant. To the world, in general:

If you will allow me 1.78 seconds to step out of the elevator, there will be much more room for you to step into it. Thank you for your time.

Word for word

Perhaps I should explain my fascination with quotes and misquotes in movies, TV shows and other arenas. Hmm, where to start?

As a writer, I use words every day. As a reporter, I must ensure the words accurately illustrate the truth I am trying to convey. More than a decade ago, a college athlete claimed -- months after the fact -- I misquoted him in a newspaper story. Almost without exception I have used a tape or digital recorder since then. I don't know a single reporter who can take notes by hand and get every word. I know several who claim they can, but they can't.

What's interesting is there is considerable disagreement among journalists about how accurately one must quote a source or public figure. To some, "If it's between quote marks, it had better be verbatim" is the only way. To others, you have some latitude. Of course, almost every print reporter removes the "uh" and "um" and "you know" -- which are more common than you'd think -- and many properly quote the most important words and paraphrase the rest.

What's more interesting is covering a major sports or news event and reading the coverage the next day. Often you can read 10 different versions of the same quote in 10 different papers.

Does it really matter as long as the reader understands the spirit of what was said, or should everything between quotation marks be treated as sacred? I lean toward the latter, but I do understand the former. There are important quotes worth slaving over to make sure they're correct, and there are others nobody will think twice about after they read the story. That said, would I want my comments to be quoted 100 percent accurately? Yes.

My perverse fun with movie quotes (and misquotes) is not for everybody. I am sure most who stumble upon these takes here find them dry and boring. I suppose I could try to pump some life into the presentation, but my point is mainly to do what appears to be sorely lacking from the World Wide Web -- post the correction versions of some of the most popular quotes in American movie and cultural history. It's certainly OK there are short-hand versions out there, more popular versions than the actual quotes. I just think there's room for the actual quotes too.

Does anybody else really care? I doubt it. Just my crazy obsession.

Some day there will be a cure. In the meantime, I will continue to perk up whenever I hear someone misquote Forrest Gump or Gordon Gekko or the Captain in "Cool Hand Luke."

That's all, folks! (for now)

Second-hand fat

When that becomes a scientifically proven threat to your health, you can complain about how the sight and smell of my blood-rare steak bother you -- and try to equate it with my annoyance because of your smoking while I try to eat.

Until then, keep your mouth shut between drags of your cigarette, unless you are eating or speaking with someone at your table. They are not equal arguments, yours and mine. Your arteries are none the worse for my dining choices.

On a lighter note, have a Merry Christmas.

Chad Pennington is growing up

Eleven years ago I saw him up close before and after a Division I-AA playoff game. He didn't appear old enough to drive. Now he's a veteran NFL quarterback and barely looks like a college freshman, which he was on that cold December afternoon in 1995.

Prediction: Fifty years from now he'll be the face and the voice of the New Year countdown from Times Square, and everyone will say "He never ages."

New Dellhi

The location for Customer Service for the company that made my computer. I mention this after a grueling 4-hour telephone consultation during which my ability to hear and comprehend English as a second language was put to the test.

And yes, the spelling of the title of this entry is intentional, not a typo.

Wall Street

Gordon Gekko's famous speech is reportedly derived from one given by Ivan Boesky. You'll note a minor but (to me) interesting point is the words "greed is good" do not appear consecutively in the sentence. The edit in the public consciousness is understandable, but I do enjoy the full context.

"The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed -- for lack of a better word -- is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms -- greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge -- has marked the upward surge of mankind, and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."

A fun side note: Terence Stamp, the wonderful actor who plays Sir Larry Wildman, was General Zod in "Superman II." I'm sure you knew that, but it had slipped my mind until I happened to see the Man of Steel crush Zod's hand the other day while I was channel surfing.

Yes, I can

I can, in fact, hear you now.

Now, ask me if I want to.

This won't break new ground, but one of the realities of living in an apartment complex in the age of the cell phone is you realize how many people don't have land lines anymore. How do you know this? Because quite often, they walk outside to take or make a call. If you live in a corner apartment, next to the parking lot, as I do, you notice many of these calls are placed or received or extended seemingly forever right outside your window.

I should take notes. Some of the things I hear would make wonderful blackmail material.

For college football fans

Especially those who don't like the BCS. Happy holidays.


'Twas the day before the title game
By Carl Dubois
Advocate sportswriter

“Dear Editor: Some of my little friends say there is no playoff in Division I college football. Papa says, ‘If you see it in The Advocate it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a playoff in Division I football, and if not, will there ever be?”
—West Virginia, Boise State, Michigan and others, somewhere on the outside looking in.

West Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see on YouTube, MySpace or Cold Pizza. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, West Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s or those of Division I university presidents, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge — and the insanity of championships by polls.

Yes, West Virginia, there is a Division I playoff. The championship game is Friday night between Massachusetts, known as the Minutemen, and Appalachian State, which has the same nickname as your Mountaineers. This I-AA playoff exists certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, not to mention common sense, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no playoffs! It would be as dreary as if there were no Alabama talk show hosts and columnists to make fun of West Virginia from afar, as if their Alabama were the cynosure of all things cosmopolitan. Jim Tressel would not have enjoyed the thrill of winning his four national championships under a playoff format before leaving Youngstown State for Ohio State. Verily, ESPN2 would probably be showing another poker tournament Friday night.

Not believe in playoffs? You might as well not believe in Santa Claus! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa, but even if they did not see Santa coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see, especially if they don’t have cable TV or a workable BCS system. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world. This is especially true of university presidents, network executives and bowl stewards who can’t imagine a world with a Division I-A playoff and cite academic concerns as the reason for its absence.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest man that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance — and two or three more controversial finishes in the BCS — can push aside that curtain and imagine the supernal beauty and glory beyond.

Is it all real? Could it happen? Ah, West Virginia, Boise State, Michigan and you other hopeful children, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding as the hope of a playoff one day. Playoffs? Playoffs??? Mora and mora the cause will gather steam, and it will be as natural as the postseason in the NFL. Gather your friends Friday night and watch this tiny but meaningful I-AA playoff conclude, and imagine a huge I-A one! Have your parents take you to sit on the lap of that jolly ol’ fellow, Lloyd Carr, and ask him to help your wish come true. I know he believes! Write letters to Mike Slive, even if you doubt he exists except on Southeastern Conference stationery! Just because you never see or hear him, it doesn’t mean he isn’t real!

No playoff! Good God! Even the NCAA has a sense something’s missing. By its decree, the I-AA playoff will henceforth be called the NCAA Division I Football Championship, with that other population of D-I schools to be known as the Football Bowl Subdivision. Hypocrisy lives, and it seemingly lives forever. Yes, I-AA has a playoff, and nobody accuses its presidents of being anti-academics.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world a I-A playoff couldn’t exist. If he and the usual suspects have their way, my dear West Virginia, a thousand years from now, nay, 10 times ten thousand years from now, they will continue to make sad the heart of childhood that dreams for a true championship, one with nothing mythical about it.

Believe, my new young friend, as you watch Massachusetts and Appalachian State settle it on the field while announcers for ESPN2 — the I-AA of ESPN networks — make the case for the excitement and validity of a playoff.

Oh, and about your letter: I’m not the editor. He’s on vacation, and somebody had to answer you.

(With apologies to the editor, to deceased newsman Francis Pharcellus Church, the New York newspaper called The Sun, and the most famous 8-year-old girl to write a letter to its editor in September 1897.)


Published 12.14.06 in The Advocate in Baton Rouge.

Yeah, well

"Cool Hand Luke" has so many enjoyable moments, I could spend all day here posting about 10 percent of them and never get around to the next installment of my little project -- misquoted movie lines.

One of my favorite scenes is when Luke and his bull gang finish tarring the road early, with about 2 hours of daylight left, after he spurs them on to work fast, fast, fast, and give the bosses speed, speed, speed, just for kicks, and to befuddle them, and because he's who he is. "What are we going to do now?"George Kennedy's character asks when he realizes they've run out of road way ahead of schedule.

"Nothin'," Luke says with a self-satisfied smile.

"Luke, you wild, beautiful thing," Dragline (Kennedy) chortles. "You crazy handful of nothin'."

Yeah, well ... sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

The two most memorable quotes in "Cool Hand Luke" are "Nobody can eat 50 eggs" and "What we've got here is failure to communicate." The latter is frequently misquoted.

If you find the synopsis of "Cool Hand Luke" on Netflix, you'll see it begins with this sentence: What we have here is a failure to communicate! Don't they ever listen to Guns N' Roses? It's not "a" failure; it's failure! What we've got here is failure to accurately quote this line!

In fairness, Paul Newman's character misquotes the Captain's line himself, just before he's shot: "What we got here is a failure to communicate." Luke, like many in the years since the movie (including the person who wrote the Netflix synopsis), added the word "a" in front of the sentence's payoff (failure to communicate).

The writers at "Saturday Night Live" got it right when they came up with one of my favorite sketches in the show's history. It came in the fifth season, on April 19, 1980. Strother Martin, who played the Captain in "Cool Hand Luke," was guest host of this SNL and played an angry taskmaster of a headmaster of a French language camp for children. Bill Murray and Gilda Radner played young campers, and when Murray's stubborn character (Luc?) refused to say "The cat is small" en francais, Strother Martin's character punished him in a cruel-hand, Cool Hand Luke sort of way.

Then, of course, came the punchline.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate ... bilingually."

Beautiful.

Oh, and if you want to compile a long list of misquotes, get the DVD and listen to the movie with a careful ear and read the subtitles. In many cases, they are, at best, no more than reasonable facsimiles of the lyrical language in this gem of a movie. And what a cast: Newman, Kennedy, Martin, Dennis Hopper, Harry Dean Stanton (listed as Dean Stanton), Wayne Rogers, Ralph Waite, Joe Don Baker, J.D. Cannon (the boss on "McCloud") and so many other wonderful charactor actors.